I am beautiful

I'm not sure why I am even putting these thoughts on this blog, because these thoughts are kinda related to locks, but not really. But anyway ...

I've had problems in the past with insecurities about my looks. I even wrote about it on here once, a couple years ago (http://angieslocks.blogspot.com/2005/04/i-think-i-look-like-boy.html). When I was younger, I never thought I was ugly, exactly, but I definitely didn't think I was anything special. My dad used to always tell me I was beautiful, but I didn't believe him. He had to say that, right? He's my dad. I don't know where my insecurities came from, because no one told me I was ugly that I can remember. Most of elementary school, I went to a small private school (~100-150 students total, 6 or so in my grade), and everybody pretty much looked like me. I mean, everybody was black, my same skin tone, and beauty was not a focus at that school.

I never had problems getting a date, that's not even it. I dated in high school (even though I wasn't allowed to). In college, I dated even more than I dated in high school. And now I'm married to a husband that often tells me I look good. But, as they always say, other people can't give you self esteem. When I was in relationships I did things that showed that I was insecure, even though my partner would tell me that I was fine, or he loved me.

But now, surprisingly, as I am going through this process with my locks, I am loving myself. As I look in the mirror at my hair, I also notice the beauty of my eyes. As I fall in love with my developing buds, I also fall in love with my ears, and my nose (which I'm trying to decide if I want to pierce). As I accept the short parts of my hair (short because the edges of my hair fell out after I had my baby), I accept my weak chin. As I patiently wait for my hair to fully lock, I also patiently wait while observing the changes in my body as I work towards my goal weight and healthiness. As I ignore the confused / disbelieving / disgusted looks of those around me I ignore the voices of society that say that someone that looks like me isn't beautiful.

This is not to say I think I am perfect. Of course I don't. I'm not going to be auditioning for America's Next Top Model anytime soon. And there are still things I don't like about my appearance, and things that I want to change. But even if no one else in the whole world sees it, I see my beauty, and accept myself now as I am, and as I want to be.

Sharing this song from The Color Purple (my favorite play right now). Fantasia singing "I'm Here". This is the part of the play when Celie truly realizes her beauty. I especially like the end of the song.

I love ...

I love ...

the heaviness of my hair when it's soaked in the shower before a shampoo

that my hair still has that afro look

finding a new baby lock

anticipating that day when I can say my hair is "locked"

realizing that my hair is growing

the texture of the locked portions of my hair

molesting my hair :-)

looking at my hair in the mirror

getting up, fluffing, and going in the mornings

washing whenever I feel like it

getting an unexpected compliment about my hair

doing (almost) nothing to my hair

wondering how it will look in a week, a month, a year, 5 years

feeling confident about my hair

my hair!

I'm four months into it, here are a couple of pictures




Man, the back really just looks like an afro in that picture. I swear it looks slightly lockish in person. But comparing from pictures of when I first started, I can definitely see progress.



I really started this blog because I am one of those people who's started locks more times than I can count. I always took them down or cut them off. It was very frustrating. So I wanted to get down my thoughts, neuroses, etc., about locks and what would make me want to cut them off (so I could analyze them to death, I guess). But this time, for some reason, I really don't have any problems with them. I don't care what other people say about them. I don't feel unfeminine with them as I have in the past. I am not stressing about the way they are developing (well, not most days). In other words, my mindset is completely different. I don't really know how or why, but I'm going with it.

Four Months - Video

So, my husband took a short video of me without me realizing it. And then he showed it to me, and i was totally transfixed, looking at my hair. It looks great. Is that conceited of me to say that? Anyway, I made a video of myself talking about my hair. Here it is (best viewed in original size):



http://youtube.com/watch?v=muhlwcPXygk

I don't plan to do this on a regular basis. But I think it would be really cool if some of my favorite bloggers did videos. For example, I think Tai would crack me up, hearing and seeing his rants instead of just reading them.

Patience

I always used to roll my eyes when people said that they learned patience when locking their hair. However, it's become a definite part of the locking process for me. I want locks NOW! My hands are in my husbands 2 1/2 year old locks every day. I covet the mid back length dreads I saw on the sister in the grocery store. I drool over pictures in hair albums of fully developed locks of every size, shape, and length. But I must wait and be patient.

I look at my hair, and I can tell it's slowly moving toward what I desire. But it's not happening fast enough, dammit! I know I sound like a baby, but I don't care. And although I like the way my hair looks now (most days, let's be honest here), I don't know anybody that dreaded their hair to have it look like the in-between stage. Some time ago I read on the hair board where someone compared growing locks to growing a full beard. The beginning stage (5 o'clock shadow) looks good, and at the end you have the beard you want, but that in-between, patchy, itchy, unshaped, what-the-hell-am-I-doing-why-is-it-taking-so-long-nobody-likes-beards-anyway-will-i-even-look-good-with-one stage is trying. And some people don't get past that stage (and don't ask me how I know so much about growing a beard).

Or when you're trying to lose weight (which I am). You've changed your diet, you're exercising more, you're doing good. But it's been weeks and you don't see any changes yet. Well maybe you realize that you can climb the stairs without being out of breath, and you lost like 5 pounds, but you want to see more changes on the scale. One or two pounds a week is soooooo slow when you have 30 pounds to lose. And then your husband brings in a 50 pack of cookies from BJ's, and you have to stare at that crap every day when you get in from work. And you know that a cookie or two (at 200 calories a pop) every day would taste soooo good after the stresses of work. Do you give in? Or do you resist, knowing that if you're patient, and continue with what you're doing, you'll soon see the results you want? (Note to hubby: This example is just used for illustrative purposes and comedic effect. Who am I kidding? No, it's not. :-( )

You know what, though. I have made the commitment that I am going to see this through. No matter how I feel about it now, I know that in a year or so, my hair will be completely locked, and I will have the hair I used to admire from afar. I try to remind myself of that whenever I have doubts about the process. Angela, don't get impatient at month 3 or 4 or 7 and cut off your hair. You'd seriously regret that. Don't let the silly little side issues or insecurities distract you. Know what's on the other side: beautiful, unique locks.

3 months in and feeling fine

You know, I'm really feeling good about my hair so far. No drama (for a change). I love the way my hair is developing into locks. And I'm confident about how they will turn out. I think that this is a good reason for locks to develop slowly the way they do, so that it can give me time to adjust to the new look. I am on the lookout these next few months, though, because the last few (!) attempts I made to lock my hair, I took / cut them out around 3-5 months. I feel so far removed from my mindset then, though, so I'm good.

I took pics also, but what is the point of taking pictures when your hair looks exactly the same? I may space it out to every 1-2 months taking pics.






The last two pics are of Tomoka's Twists. I wear them as a headband, and they aren't tight, like most headbands I wear (I guess I'm sensitive to that). I love them. I bought a few others from her site also. They are beautiful.

What styles can be done with new freeform locks?

So, what styles can be done with new freeform locks? Not many that I know of. I can only think of wearing headbands, wraps, or scarves, so I wanted to see how I look in a few.

Don't really care for that tan color.

I have a few scarves I have that I may wear also.