Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I am beautiful

I'm not sure why I am even putting these thoughts on this blog, because these thoughts are kinda related to locks, but not really. But anyway ...

I've had problems in the past with insecurities about my looks. I even wrote about it on here once, a couple years ago (http://angieslocks.blogspot.com/2005/04/i-think-i-look-like-boy.html). When I was younger, I never thought I was ugly, exactly, but I definitely didn't think I was anything special. My dad used to always tell me I was beautiful, but I didn't believe him. He had to say that, right? He's my dad. I don't know where my insecurities came from, because no one told me I was ugly that I can remember. Most of elementary school, I went to a small private school (~100-150 students total, 6 or so in my grade), and everybody pretty much looked like me. I mean, everybody was black, my same skin tone, and beauty was not a focus at that school.

I never had problems getting a date, that's not even it. I dated in high school (even though I wasn't allowed to). In college, I dated even more than I dated in high school. And now I'm married to a husband that often tells me I look good. But, as they always say, other people can't give you self esteem. When I was in relationships I did things that showed that I was insecure, even though my partner would tell me that I was fine, or he loved me.

But now, surprisingly, as I am going through this process with my locks, I am loving myself. As I look in the mirror at my hair, I also notice the beauty of my eyes. As I fall in love with my developing buds, I also fall in love with my ears, and my nose (which I'm trying to decide if I want to pierce). As I accept the short parts of my hair (short because the edges of my hair fell out after I had my baby), I accept my weak chin. As I patiently wait for my hair to fully lock, I also patiently wait while observing the changes in my body as I work towards my goal weight and healthiness. As I ignore the confused / disbelieving / disgusted looks of those around me I ignore the voices of society that say that someone that looks like me isn't beautiful.

This is not to say I think I am perfect. Of course I don't. I'm not going to be auditioning for America's Next Top Model anytime soon. And there are still things I don't like about my appearance, and things that I want to change. But even if no one else in the whole world sees it, I see my beauty, and accept myself now as I am, and as I want to be.

Sharing this song from The Color Purple (my favorite play right now). Fantasia singing "I'm Here". This is the part of the play when Celie truly realizes her beauty. I especially like the end of the song.


~Fe~ said...

I so enjoyed your post!

aybee77 said...

Awww ... thanks!