I am beautiful

I'm not sure why I am even putting these thoughts on this blog, because these thoughts are kinda related to locks, but not really. But anyway ...

I've had problems in the past with insecurities about my looks. I even wrote about it on here once, a couple years ago (http://angieslocks.blogspot.com/2005/04/i-think-i-look-like-boy.html). When I was younger, I never thought I was ugly, exactly, but I definitely didn't think I was anything special. My dad used to always tell me I was beautiful, but I didn't believe him. He had to say that, right? He's my dad. I don't know where my insecurities came from, because no one told me I was ugly that I can remember. Most of elementary school, I went to a small private school (~100-150 students total, 6 or so in my grade), and everybody pretty much looked like me. I mean, everybody was black, my same skin tone, and beauty was not a focus at that school.

I never had problems getting a date, that's not even it. I dated in high school (even though I wasn't allowed to). In college, I dated even more than I dated in high school. And now I'm married to a husband that often tells me I look good. But, as they always say, other people can't give you self esteem. When I was in relationships I did things that showed that I was insecure, even though my partner would tell me that I was fine, or he loved me.

But now, surprisingly, as I am going through this process with my locks, I am loving myself. As I look in the mirror at my hair, I also notice the beauty of my eyes. As I fall in love with my developing buds, I also fall in love with my ears, and my nose (which I'm trying to decide if I want to pierce). As I accept the short parts of my hair (short because the edges of my hair fell out after I had my baby), I accept my weak chin. As I patiently wait for my hair to fully lock, I also patiently wait while observing the changes in my body as I work towards my goal weight and healthiness. As I ignore the confused / disbelieving / disgusted looks of those around me I ignore the voices of society that say that someone that looks like me isn't beautiful.

This is not to say I think I am perfect. Of course I don't. I'm not going to be auditioning for America's Next Top Model anytime soon. And there are still things I don't like about my appearance, and things that I want to change. But even if no one else in the whole world sees it, I see my beauty, and accept myself now as I am, and as I want to be.

Sharing this song from The Color Purple (my favorite play right now). Fantasia singing "I'm Here". This is the part of the play when Celie truly realizes her beauty. I especially like the end of the song.

I love ...

I love ...

the heaviness of my hair when it's soaked in the shower before a shampoo

that my hair still has that afro look

finding a new baby lock

anticipating that day when I can say my hair is "locked"

realizing that my hair is growing

the texture of the locked portions of my hair

molesting my hair :-)

looking at my hair in the mirror

getting up, fluffing, and going in the mornings

washing whenever I feel like it

getting an unexpected compliment about my hair

doing (almost) nothing to my hair

wondering how it will look in a week, a month, a year, 5 years

feeling confident about my hair

my hair!

I'm four months into it, here are a couple of pictures




Man, the back really just looks like an afro in that picture. I swear it looks slightly lockish in person. But comparing from pictures of when I first started, I can definitely see progress.



I really started this blog because I am one of those people who's started locks more times than I can count. I always took them down or cut them off. It was very frustrating. So I wanted to get down my thoughts, neuroses, etc., about locks and what would make me want to cut them off (so I could analyze them to death, I guess). But this time, for some reason, I really don't have any problems with them. I don't care what other people say about them. I don't feel unfeminine with them as I have in the past. I am not stressing about the way they are developing (well, not most days). In other words, my mindset is completely different. I don't really know how or why, but I'm going with it.