Issues with locking and how to deal

I posted a question on how to stick with locking on my favorite website. Here it is: http://www.nappturality.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=104427 . Most of the people on there said that maybe I'm not ready to lock. I really do want to lock. I'm sitting here with braids in my hair, though, and want to take them out to start via freeform. How can I make locking work for me?

Issue: I want to take out my braids and start again via freeform
How to deal: I have this idea that freeform is the best way to lock. That I'm selling out or something if I don't do it this way. They lock the fastest. The locks are fluffier in the end. <Insert other reasons why freeforms are perfect here> The truth is that it's not perfect for me if I can't stick with it. I always stop freeforming because I honestly can't deal with the look when it starts locking. Just deal with what I have now. I can always freeform later if I want to.

Issue: I don't want to do a bunch of maintenance on my head. I'm a low maintenance girl.
How to deal: Realize that I don't have to do a bunch of maintenance on my head if I don't want to. This thread here (http://www.nappturality.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=104484) shows a lady who started her locks with braids and latches on average every 3 months. I can definitely handle that. Ravenslocs, if I remember correctly, retwists every 3 months or so. And Rockinlocs and alma freeform now. So it's definitely possible, and I can still look nice with low maintenance hair.

Issue: I'm going to want to take them out when they start locking, and I have a half-locked, half-braided head.
How to deal: Suck it up. :-) That's the process. I want locked hair, don't I? I can't control how it looks completely throughout the process. Visualize the end that I want. Locked hair. Also, I can use accessories, head wraps, hats, etc. to hide my hair from myself / focus on other attributes of my appearance during this time. I just got contacts, and I'm totally feeling myself right now. Think of stuff like that.

Issue: I'm going to want to take them out when I see some cute cornrow style or great afro.
How to deal: I KNOW I don't want to deal with my loose hair on a regular basis. Remember that. Also, there are cute styles for locked hair. I can do a lock puff, I can cornrow locks too. Find styles I can do that look nice on my braids / soon-to-be-locks.

Issue: Blah blah blah <insert other reason I supposedly have to take down my hair>
How to deal: Look. I really want to finish something I start. I need to know that I can do that. Make it work.

The urge is strong to take them out

Okay, locks or loose hair. The advantage of locks is that I don't have to comb my hair. I don't like combing it. But right now, I don't like how it looks. With loose hair, I like the styles that I do (when I feel like doing them), but most of the time I don't do them. Also, my hair is damaged from impatiently pulling the comb through my hair. If I take out the baby locks, will I regret it later? Probably. I always come back to locks, because I want low maintenance long hair, and that's the only way I see that happening. The last few times I've combed out starter locks, I was tired of my hair by the time I finished combing them out. Then I would wear an afro for a few days, then put my hair back up in braids or twists for starter locks. I never did the cute styles I like (beside the afro or puff). With locks I wash, condition, towel dry, and separate. With loose hair I shampoo, condition, towel dry, detangle, moisturize, and style. That detangling and styling takes way too much time.

So what about me not liking how my hair looks. It's just that my hair is so different than what I'm used to. I love how mature locks look, but my hair is not mature. It's just like tangled matted hair at the ends, and the rest is an uncombed afro. I mean, it's exciting that my hair is locking, but this fro with locks floating on top look is not working for me. A couple of times when I went out somewhere, I put a scarf on, and that looked cute. But doing that seems like it would slow the process in the front, because after I take the scarf off, my hair in the front looks much straighter and stretched out. So that's out except for special occasions. How about tams and/or headwraps for those days? That could work. Naani has some hats I like.

You know what, though? I do love how my hair feels. And I like seeing the locks develop. I just have to keep visualizing the end result that I want. And hide my hair from myself when I am not feeling it.

Still freeforming and the kid

Well, I'm still locking. And given my history, I think that's something. Although I have had some major urges to comb my hair out, and start over with braids or twists. I just remind myself why I wanted to lock my hair this way, and look at freeform pictures and blogs to visualize the outcome that I want, and then I'm okay.

Sometimes it's hard to trust my hair to lock on its own. I see approximately 10 baby locks, which are tangled either at or close to the ends of the hair. The rest of my hair looks like it normally does when I wear a wash and go. I just can't see yet how the rest of my hair is going to group together. And I get tempted, remembering starting my hair with braids or twists. At least then I had control, and I could imagine how my hair would develop. *sigh* PATIENCE.

I was babysitting a 4 year old for a friend of mine this Thursday. During that day, we had the following conversation.

"Why do you wear your hair like that?" she asked me.

"Because I like it," I told her.

"Well, you should wear your hair in braids."

No, I was not offended by what she said. After all, she is only 4, and it's just a hairstyle she hasn't seen before. The funny thing is, a few years ago I would have been very upset by her simple statement.

pics 3 weeks in

Here are pics of my hair 3 weeks in. Before I started, my hair was about 9-10 inches. It shrunk quite a bit.

My hair is starting to group in a few different places. Already!

Thoughts about freeform locks

It's very easy to do -- and that's what I need. I am not the kind of person that likes to fiddle around with her hair. I don't know how I had the patience to deal with my loose hair for 8 years. I guess that's why I've tried to lock my hair so many times.

I'm only 3 weeks in, and I think that this time I can stick with it. My hair is already starting to group together in some places. Also, my hair does not look unkempt to me, I like the style in the meantime. And my hair is amazing me. It can lock if I just shampoo and condition it. I just need to be patient and let it happen.

It's crazy, I think that this method is best for me and my hair. There is no illusion of control as there is with other methods -- I'm just letting my hair do what it does. This helps, so I am not expecting every strand of hair to be in place. I don't have to spend hours starting my hair (or pay money to someone else to start it). I don't have to deal with the scalpy look in the beginning weeks. I don't have to worry about the hair unraveling. I don't have to wait to shampoo or condition it. I'm not worried about buildup. I won't have to spend time retwisting. I can be me.

Feeling good, no worries

I'm just really enjoying not having to do much of anything to my hair. All I do is wash it when I feel like it (once or twice a week) and go. I latched my hair at week 4, 1 1/2 weeks ago. I wet it as much as I want, and don't have to really worry about any of the twists coming out, which is fabulous. Daily I wet my hair with water, or spray with Greg Juice and go. When I latched my hair, on about half of the twists, there was a solid part of hair close to the scalp that I had to latch around. My hair is starting to lock already! And I'm loving it.

No more hair albums (for now)

Well, I think I will be okay. Today I was feeling around my hair, and feeling like I wanted to take them out. Later, after I read some of my old thoughts about why I wanted to lock my hair in this way, and also remembering that I don't want to take them aloose just to redo them with braids (or anything else), I felt a little better about them. Now I don't want to take out my hair.

But what triggered the want to take them out in the first place? Actually, I know what it was. I was on Nappturality, and I saw a few people's hair albums. They were cultivated locks, of course. And I was comparing their beautiful locks to my hair, and my hair was not measuring up. I NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT HAIR ALBUMS IN THIS STAGE IN THE GAME. For me, they make me feel inadequate. So, until I can see the beauty of my own hair, I will not be looking at other hair albums.

Why is this so hard, this letting go? Letting my hair do what it does naturally is much more difficult than I thought it would be.

To my higher self: Let me be open to what my lock journey will teach me. Let me be patient, and not give up.